Whenever I would visit during a group activity, May and Earl would be sitting together. May would greet me enthusiastically, but Earl would look jilted. If we went for a walk, Earl would soon catch up with us. On the last few visits, I noticed that the staff would spring into action, as if to protect me from the truth. "Come on, Earl," they would say when they saw me coming. "Come with me, Earl." Earl never wanted to go. I felt bad for him, and would always try to include him.
Today when I got there, May was nowhere to be found. The staff flitted around nervously. I told them to relax, that I was sure I could find her. But she was in none of the usual places. Carmen, who runs the afternoon activities, offered to help. I said, "You don't suppose she ran off with Earl, do you?" Carmen looked at me seriously and said, "How do you feel about that?" I told her I was fine with it. "Come on then..." she said and made a beeline for the residential wing that Earl lives on. I told her I didn't want to walk in on anything...
She insisted that I follow her. We got to the living area of Earl's wing just as Earl was coming out of the bathroom. May was at the dining room table waiting for him. She was glad to see me and headed back to her end of the building with me. I felt bad for Earl again, but it didn't take long for him to catch up with us. When May saw him coming she whispered, "That's my guy..." We were a threesome for afternoon BINGO.
So it's all out in the open now. The staff seems relieved. It must have been really hard on them, the coverup and all...
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Bill, bless you for being so understanding. I don't know if you were joking about it being hard on the staff, but coming from that side of things, I can tell you it actually is. We get to know and care about our residents' family members, and want them to be happy and healthy as well, so when the inter-resident relationships sometimes crop up, we worry about the well spouse being hurt. Our general approach is to redirect, redirect, redirect, but it can be easier once the well spouse tells us exactly what he or she would prefer. If you want to say "just redirect them when I'm there" they will, or if you don't mind Earl hanging out with you two that's amazing. Bless your heart.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't joking. I knew they were trying to protect me. It was purposeful when I brought it up. I wanted them to know that I knew. It kind of broke the ice. Now everybody can relax. You don't want to think that she has nothing to do but wait for your 45-minute visit every two or three days. During the BINGO game, Carmen said "she laughs at everything Earl says." If I could grant her the gift of laughter at this time in her life, by all means I should do it.
ReplyDeleteThis happened to Sandra Day O'Connor and her husband. She left the Supreme Court to take care of him, and he fell in love with another patient. You are wise and generous. Happiness and laughter are amazing gifts for everyone finding their way through this unreal reality.
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