Not out of the blue

Today is typical of how it's been for the past week or so.

Walking back from taking Adam to school, she said "Maybe I should get a job. I feel like I'm just not doing anything." We've been through this before, and I say it just wouldn't work for her to get a job. She started crying and cried off and on until lunchtime. Going out for lunch seemed to cheer her up, but after a few bites she started staring into the middle distance, and tears welled up and soon she was wiping them off her cheeks with her napkin.

Finally she spoke.

I just don't know who I am anymore. (Pause) I don't know ... who I am. I don't understand. What's wrong with me? How did it happen? What can I do? Did this just come out of the blue?

And so I began the tale I've told so many times.

No, it didn't come out of the blue. It started about five years ago, with memory problems. Then, you suddenly couldn't manage the checking account. Then you started getting lost in the car. And one day you went grocery shopping, and with $300 worth of groceries in the cart at the check-out counter, you couldn't figure out how to pay for it. So they pushed your cart to the side and you came home quite upset. Little by little, one step at a time, it's been coming. Not out of the blue.

Walking home from lunch she asked, "How long have you known?"

Since last november, officially, when we got the diagnosis. You were there, so you've known too. But I pretty much knew for a year before that. You used to forget though, which allowed you to be worry-free about it. Lately, you haven't been forgetting. You seem to know most of the time, and that's been hard on you.

"Can I stay at home?" she asked. "Yes you can."